dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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