You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
