i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
