he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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