The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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