she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
