I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize