I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
