We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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