I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
