the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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