I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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