Already got asked if we're dating
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I think I won the penis lottery.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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