just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
