my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Randomize
