Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
