1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
