I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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