One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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