You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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