Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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