you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
