The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize