whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Randomize
