He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
