Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
