Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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