Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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