It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
