I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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