And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
