My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
