the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
