Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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