i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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