Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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