if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
he high fived his dick after we had sex
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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