I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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