why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
