Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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