You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
