I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
