I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
