dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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