he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
