Did I show you my penis last night?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
He literally asked permission to hit on me
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
