drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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