I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
