i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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