I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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