I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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