and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
