capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
