the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Do vagina's smell?
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
