This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Sorry my hands just texted you
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
