I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I'm getting married
To pizza
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
