Can i not drive my cunt home
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
