im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
