First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
